When everything is truly a demand, how do relationships work when you have Pathological Demand Avoidance?
Deep Dive into PDA:
Any demand makes it feel like you are taking away my ability to do what I need/want.
Prepare yourself - my FIRST reaction will almost always be a “no.”
It will help if you provide me with an "out" because I only have so many yeses in a day.
I am bracing myself for what you will do when I say “no,” such as rolling your eyes or sighing. That response places enormous extra pressure on me.
I have a better chance of doing the thing if you let me think about it – I must examine whether there is a power dynamic here. I don’t like that this happens, but I must look at my autonomy, self-worth, and self-preservation vs. meeting your needs, even though I love you.
These ups & downs are exhausting and lowering my resources can be catastrophic. Please recognize this as my nervous system’s response. My nervous system and I feel trapped.
Understand that decisions are demands, which is difficult because the day is full of decisions. Everything is a decision. I must think about all the ramifications involved with the decision and find the BEST way. That is how my brain is wired. I also have to budget my spoons.
But guess what? In an emergency I can manage the true risk very well. There isn’t any flexibility in this situation. We all just move forward to handle it. The task/demand seems contained. This is the opposite of future-minded/future dreaded stuff.
The difficults that come with PDA and being in a relationship
PDA comes with lots of guilt.
Everyone, including me, feels I am not doing enough.
I am wired to be workshy and avoidant.
PDA is hard to explain and I’m just learning how to understand it myself. (Example: most PDAers find picking food on a menu very taxing. Will often say “you pick” to the other person at the restaurant. I am passive in this situation, which is confusing when I say everything is about autonomy. Sometimes I look at the menu beforehand online or just pick the very first thing I see. I do this because I get decision-fatigue. Restaurants are especially difficult. There is often sensory overload. I feel like I’m performing for the person I am with as well as everyone else in restaurant. Masking is exhausting.
I live in task paralysis.
To survive, I must cancel lots of plans.
With PDA kids, everyone on the outside thinks you are very permissive. They don’t understand how PDA works.
I will find myself using leveling behavior and someone down to make them my equal.
What helps:
Please stop talking when I am trying to calm myself. I know the decision probably seems very small to you, such as a paint color, but it feels important and puts me into panic mode.
Know that I often react to small things in a big way.
Talk softer, please don’t be commanding and demanding.
Sharing reasons behind the demand will help. If it is or seems arbitrary, I won’t be able to do it.
Pick your battles.
Allow me time to work through the situation and process AT MY OWN SPEED.
Have your own emotional boundaries. Your self-worth cannot depend on what I do or don’t do.
Let’s learn how to do this together.
Let’s give ourselves time to adjust to the change.
Please see the worth of what I DO bring to the table.
Get comfortable with the idea that this won’t look like “50-50” because I don’t have the bandwidth.
Let’s build up each other.
Please express requests rather than demands.
Let’s make decisions based on core needs and beliefs.
When I remind myself that I don’t have to be in this relationship, all the reasons I want to stay often come flooding back.
I will try to discuss the overwhelming task with someone I trust. After that person offers to do the task, I sometimes find that I can now do it myself.
By making the demand optional, I have a better chance of succeeding.
I need to set it up so I can decide not to do the thing.
I must preserve my autonomy.
I try to slowly unmask when it seems to be safe. I slowly expand what I do. Repetition really helps.
How I avoid meltowns/How you can help:
Your understanding helps me recover sooner.
I will explain that now is not a good time.
I’ll suggest we revisit this later. (Then I will prepare myself for later.)
Consider giving me a window of when to talk about it. Give options. This helps everyone involved.
Please lower your standards (Example: clean once a month instead of weekly. I will decide what is actually important. No one can decide FOR me.
Great rule: Only the person doing the task gets to decide how and when it is done.
Thought process with A, B, & C options. “I need to absolutely wait to do “B” later but I can do “C” even when I am low on “spoons.”
I will give myself grace instead of heading into shame spiral.
I will swim with the current. Big demand probably won’t happen but I bet I can do smaller stuff.
I will practice and learn how to articulate my feelings and needs.
Resources
Active on Linkedin? Consider joining our brand new PDA at Work group.
Consider joining our free PDA North America's Autism with PDA Support Group for Adults. You are welcome to be on or off camera and there is no need to RSVP. The details:
Zoom Invitation(Same link every time!):
Meeting ID: 885 9702 4863
Passcode: 521434
Self Help Guide for PDAers from PDA Society.
