top of page
Search

PDA Relationship Strategies

Updated: May 21

Smile young woman with long, curly hair and her hand at her chin.


Navigating relationships and self-care with PDA

(Persistent Desire for Autonomy) isn’t just about surviving daily demands—it’s about building systems that feel good to you and honoring how your brain and body work.


In our most recent support group meeting, we talked about two big themes:(1) What it feels like when loved ones truly listen, and(2) How to get our needs met when the world feels overwhelming. This post brings together the wisdom that came out of that conversation.


💬PDA Relationship Strategies: When Loved Ones Listen Instead of Fix


Sometimes we just want to talk—to vent, unload, or share—and what we need in that moment is a listener, not a problem-solver. But it’s not always easy to create that space. So here are some strategies PDAers in our group are using to make those moments safer and more useful:


Two men in conversation as they sit on a bed with a grey comforter.

🔄 Make It Mutual


  • Consent goes both ways. Before you unload, ask: “Are you in a space to listen right now?” That one question can make a huge difference. You may be asking the right person but at the wrong time. .


  • Create a system during a time when both of your nervous systems feel more regulated. That way, you’re not trying to figure it out in the moment when neither of you are up for problem solving.



🕰 Build Boundaries Around Venting


  • One couple in our group uses this rule: No unloading during transitions (like getting ready for work or sleep). Instead, they take a 25-minute walk together that becomes their set “venting time.”


  • Kindly ask not to be interrupted—especially if you’re already in a vulnerable space.


  • Use code words. One for “please just listen,” and one for “this is too much right now.”



👥 Not Everyone Has to Be Everything


  • Have different people for different roles. Maybe one friend is your listening buddy, another is your idea-bouncer.


  • Find people where communication feels easy. Some people in our support group feel that their energy is too precious to be spent with people that don't get them. .


  • Small, trusted groups can feel safer than trying to keep up with a big circle of friends.



💡 Tips for Loved Ones


  • If you do want to offer help, ask first. Something like: “Would it be okay to run something by you?” Don't be slighted if the answer is no. It is a privilege to be asked to be this individual's safe place to talk.


  • And, if you find yourself saying “That happened to me too…”—pause. While you are doing this to connect, the other person might feel drained from your interruption and not allowing them to say what they need to say. Listening is connecting. (Confession: I did this myself during group this week.)



✋ Topic Two: Getting Your Needs Met (Without Burning Out)


With PDA, identifying what you need is hard enough. Meeting those needs without triggering shutdown or avoidance is even tougher. Here’s what PDA adults in our group are doing to take care of themselves in ways that actually work:



Beautiful setting of trees lined up with lots of greenery

🌿 Regulate First, Then Respond


  • Step outside. Listen to the birds. Breathe. Give your brain a new setting.


  • Try Safe & Sound Protocol (SSP), a music-based listening therapy that cues safety to your nervous system.


  • Prep for hard moments. Walk by a body of water or some flowers before going into a loud restaurant. Ground yourself before the demand hits.



🔍 Know What Helps You


  • Your passions. Let them bring you joy.


  • Your stuffies. (Yes, even as an adult.)


  • A stress monitors to track sleep, movement, and overload.


  • Celebrations of your smallest wins. Even making a list is a win. Someone called this the PDA-foot-in-the-door in our support group meeting.



Door to an office that is half open.

📬 Tools That Make Life Easier



  • White boards. For visual reminders and a feeling of momentum.


  • Focus journals that prioritize tasks and track real wins.



🧠 How We Think Through PDA


  • “I picture my ADHD and autism like a married couple fighting. PDA hides the anxiety in the back room.”


  • “Instead of focusing on the avoidance, I ask: What’s overwhelming me right now?”


  • “When I’m dysregulated, I can’t think clearly. I splash cold water on my face or eat a sour candy to reset my brain.”


  • “Sometimes, I just shut everything down and curl into a ball. That is self-care.”



Many pieces of sour candy

Final Thoughts


Getting support—whether from loved ones or ourselves—can be complicated with PDA. It’s okay to need help, to say no to advice, to go quiet, to use a slushie machine for hydration, or to escape into your latest obsession until your brain is ready again, all suggestions from our last meeting.


You’re not lazy. You’re not dramatic. You’re a PDAer doing your best in a world that doesn’t always make sense to your nervous system.


Future Meetings


Below is the Zoom invitation for all of our support group meetings. We typically meet on the second Tuesday of the month, at 4:30 pm Pacific / 7:30 pm Eastern. Our next meeting is Tuesday, June 10th.


In July, we will join together on a different day - Thursday, July 10th with Rabbi Shashana Friedman of PDA Safe Circle. We'll discuss What Does Thriving Look Like with PDA.


Zoom INFO:

Every month on the Second Tuesday, until Nov 11, 2025


Join Zoom Meeting


Meeting ID: 885 9702 4863

Passcode: 521434



bottom of page