The holiday season is often portrayed as a magical, commercialized “wonderland” filled with parties, traditions, and endless socializing. But for many autistic adults, this neurotypical ideal doesn’t always align with what feels comfortable or meaningful. The pressure to participate in large gatherings, embrace noisy celebrations, or disrupt your routines can make the season feel less like a time of joy and more like a source of stress.
If the traditional holiday hustle doesn’t fit your needs or preferences, that’s okay. This article offers practical strategies to help you politely opt out, attend selectively, or redefine the season in a way that brings you peace and comfort.
Rethinking the Holidays: Centering Your Needs
The first step in reclaiming the holidays is recognizing that it’s not your job to meet others’ expectations. The commercially-driven ideal of joy doesn’t account for individual needs, and it’s perfectly valid to prioritize what feels good for you.
Holidays don’t have to mean parties, bustling crowds, or small talk. They can mean:
A cozy evening with a favorite movie or book.
Quiet, one-on-one time with someone you care about.
Indulging in traditions that feel meaningful—or skipping them altogether.
By centering your preferences, you create a season that genuinely reflects who you are.
Saying “No” with Confidence: Polite Scripts for Declining Invitations
Declining invitations doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable or isolating. You can communicate your boundaries kindly and firmly while maintaining your relationships.
For a workplace event: “Thank you for the invitation, but I won’t be able to attend. I hope it’s a great success, and I appreciate all the effort that went into organizing it!”
For family gatherings: “I won’t be able to join this year, but I’m sending warm wishes for a wonderful celebration. Let’s catch up another time soon!”
For friends: “Thanks so much for thinking of me! I’m keeping my schedule light this season to recharge, but I’d love to connect in a quieter way after the holidays.”
These responses affirm your decision without leaving room for pressure or guilt.
Attending Selectively: Strategies for Peaceful Participation
Sometimes, you may decide to attend an event but want to do so on your terms. Here’s how to navigate gatherings with greater ease:
Communicate Boundaries in Advance: Let the host know what works for you. For example: “I’d love to stop by for a little while, but I may not stay for the entire event.”
Create an Exit Strategy: Have a plan for when and how you’ll leave. You might say: “I’ll come by for about an hour, and then I’ll need to head out.”
Bring Comfort Items: Noise-canceling headphones, sunglasses, or stim toys can help manage sensory overload.
Identify a Quiet Space: Before the event, talk to the host and identify a quiet area where you can step away if you start to feel overwhelmed. This could be a room or a space outside where you can reset. Knowing where to go ahead of time will give you a sense of control and allow you to take breaks without disrupting the flow of the event.
Take Sensory/Noise Breaks: If you’re at a noisy party or event, don’t hesitate to step outside for a sensory break. A quick breath of fresh air or a change of scenery can be incredibly helpful in reducing sensory overload.
Handle Small Talk with Grace: Small talk can feel endless at parties, especially when the conversation feels shallow or draining. While it’s tempting to try to manage it on your own, it’s important to remember that the responsibility for navigating small talk doesn't solely fall on you. Here are some strategies for handling it more comfortably:
Redirect the Conversation: if you find yourself stuck in a loop, gently steer the conversation towards something more engaging. For example: "That reminds me, I've been really into (insert interesting hobby, book, or movie). What about you--anything fun you've been reading or watching lately?" Redirecting the conversation helps shift the focus from generic chatter to something that feels more fulfilling to both parties.
Set Boundaries with Non-Verbal Cues:
-Avoid prolonged eye contact. This can signal that you've not fully engaged without needing to verbalize it. While you may be concentrating when you avoid eye contact, allistic folks avoid eye contact to signal they need to disengage.
-Slowly stepping back: A slight retreat from a conversation may indicate you need more space.
-Holding up a hand briefly: This signals that you need a moment to process or take a break. You could even say, “I need a moment, I’ll be right back,” with this cue.
These non-verbal cues can help manage social interactions without drawing undue attention to your need for a break.
Creating an Inclusive Environment for Autistic Guests
While it's important for autistic individuals to have strategies for managing social situations, it's equally valuable for hosts—whether in a personal or workplace setting—to be mindful of ways they can make gatherings more comfortable for autistic participants.
In an upcoming article, we'll provide ideas for how hosts can help make events more accessible for autistic guests, including simple adjustments that can create a more inclusive and welcoming environment. These suggestions will focus on making social gatherings less overwhelming and ensuring that all attendees feel respected and supported.
